So I haven’t been as active publicly on my blog as I would like to be and while school is to blame for most of my absence, I can’t allow it to fully take responsibility, I’m to blame just as much. Just as I was when I first started blogging this past summer, I was trapped inside the void that stared back at me, my drafts, but this time it was different, I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck here. That intimidatingly blue ‘publish’ button no longer made me uneasy so what was it? Not really having time to devule deeper into the “what could it be’s” because finals week was knock knock knocking, I made more excuses and set more schedules,
maybe I’ll post this sometime next year, trash this, work on this some more…..
But the thought of not knowing why still bothered me. I mean obviously it’s the ongoing writing insecurity that I’ve acknowledged in the past and am just now accepting in hopes of overcoming it soon, but still that hadn’t stopped me from posting previously.
After going through a draft of mine the other day, I noticed that instead of writing for myself I’m writing in an attempt to appeal to an audience I’m not even sure I have. So it’s not publishing that has me in a rut anymore, or maybe it is in a different form, it’s the thought of having people I’m unaware of critique my thoughts, but this is the Internet so I assume an audience is inevitable this just feels different for some reason.
I came across a post the other day about being a “successful” blogger and what I got from it basically was that when you get caught up in the who, you lose the YOU in this deal. They had struggled with the same thing I was currently and it only took someone else’s experience to realize that I was going down that same miserable, insecure path (they had created and destroyed many blogs before settling). The last thing I wanted to do was lose myself in my own space, and while it sounds even sillier when you say it out loud I won’t discredit it because I am well aware that it isn’t an impossible thing to do.
From this point on I’m just going to have fun with it, worrying about content and how an audience will react to what you say is great if you just want traffic, but this is my outlet, not my job and I’m not going to drive myself away from something I enjoy doing because I’m worried that no one will be satisfied with whatever it is I’m throwing out there.
Today marks the day that I grow as a writer and as a person too in a way.